I can't even begin to describe all the ways my life, all the way down to my self-identity, has changed.
Divorce will do that to you, I guess. I was just twenty when we met and hastily began building a partnership and family. I knew so little of myself then, and my self-discovery was propelled by the comfort and conflict of our relationship.
Coming to eachother, freshly wounded and still so naive, we laid out blueprints for a future together. We navigated through immense challenges and built the most beautiful foundation. The process stripped away my insecurities, exposed my core and allowed me to open to a love for others - and for myself - greater than I'd ever known; I grew into a woman.
The framework started to go up, still beautiful, but as the years went by compromises in design began to box us into different rooms and we lost sight of one another.
Looking back, the design flaws were apparent; but we worked a lot harder for a lot longer than many people would have - something we took great pride in. Despite my now obvious overconfidence, I will forever be greatful for the skills I learned and the love I experienced.
After a few years of intense struggle, things blew up suddenly for reasons that need not enter into this conversation, and my world turned upside down.
Pieces of myself I'd stiffled in the name of compromise surfaced and in a matter of weeks I became nearly unrecognizable to myself. Thrust closer to completion, I found myself freefalling through painful and exhilarating truths about myself and my past.
Some days, I feel like I've hit the bottom, broken and consumed by anger. Others, the wind catches me just right and I soar up above it all with the kind of perspective one only accomplishes by stepping far outside the self and abandoning the ego.
The first lesson to present its self to me was about depending on others. Not only do I find myself blessed by a support system stronger than one could hope for, but I know in my core that I am deserving.
I have spent years reaching out to people, building connections, and loving deeply without expectation. I have invested much of myself into the support of others and now they are here when I need them. They are watching over me in the highs, and pull me up when I come crashing down. They shelter me when I am homeless, and look through my ugliness when it consumes me. They stand vigil when I pull away, and embrace me when I lean in.
Thank you, my family, my friends, my loves; my past, present and future; my ever-expansion circle.